All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.
This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?
The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.
At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours.
Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.
But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.
The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.
They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.
And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.
"Guard your steps when you go into the house of God. Go near and listen rather than to offer sacrifices of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty to utter anything before God. God is in heaven, you are on earth, so let your words be few."
Lately I have been complaining to myself of how quiet I am. I’ve been pushing myself to be more outspoken, but maybe it’s a good thing I’m quiet, maybe it gives me an opportunity to listen to others, to be apart of the Body of Christ, and to communicate with God more.
The last time I did this was in 2010, and it’s refreshing to see how much has changed. So here we go:
1. My favorite color is sky blue.
2. I believe God knew what He was doing when he put me out of state my first two years out of high school, and He knows what He is doing now.
3. I love Basset Hounds.
4. I love travel.
5. I love my family with my whole heart unconditionally.
6. I love to sing.
7. I love to read. (even more now)
8. I know now that there is life after Blue Ridge (and I am still searching for my “Blue Ridge”)
9. I love Country Music, but not Rap.
10. I love to write, but never seem to have my journal when I need it the most.
11. I still worry A LOT. (Matthew 6:34)
12. I love to cook when I can.
13. I still love spaghetti and chocolate. (not together)
14. Dogs > cats
15. Fall > Summer (but I love Summer nights)
16. I have been to France, Spain, and Mexico.
17. I know what it feels like to literally not be able to eat or sleep, and I don’t want that to ever happen again.
18. I do not like muster-still.
19. I could never go to a big school, because I would get lost everyday.
20. I love my Auburn Tigers. WAR EAGLE!
Some days are okay.
And then some days are really bad.
To be honest: it’s been a while since I used the word “great”
Now you know my secret…